Christmas Eve 2019. My world falls apart. I'm sitting in the kitchen picking at the kids leftovers when my husband comes in with tears（ 眼泪） in his eyes. Lisa, this is really hard for me, but I want to talk about divorce（离婚）. You're sick, but I get it. For 11 years, we were the couple teased to get a room, and now we were like married roommates.

  But the next morning, it gets worse. My three-year-old bounces to me. "Mommy, mommy, play!" And I can't play. And I used to be a fun mom, a fun woman, a fun wife. But I'm no longer fun. I am just functioning（运行）.

  I'm obsessed with to-dos. I'm always everything for everyone. I am always on. And I remember my pre-kids days. Oh, I was like a carefree（无忧无虑的） cloud. Drifting, playing, evolving（发展）, brushing against other clouds.

  I was free to be grey and moody（ 喜怒无常的） or white and fluffy（绒毛似的）. Oh, and I yearned（渴望） to be that cloud again. That woman, frisky（活泼的）, fulfilled（履行）, fun. So, I take action. And I'm hoping for a quick fix（困境）, maybe some pills（药丸）. So, first off, a doctor.

  Well, actually, I went to five doctors. And my gynecologist, he blames（责备） hormones（荷尔蒙）. Wrong. The second doctor suggests antidepressants. Wrong again, and they actually lower（放下） your libido. And the others equally lost for ideas.

  And my friends, they advise self（自己）-care. Or a little holiday. Or just doing it. Wrong again, but don't think I didn't try that. And a friend tells me her secret to a perfect relationship. She says, "Lisa, it's no biggie. Every Saturday morning, while the kids are still asleep, he brushes up against me."

  And he does this a few times until, eventually, I just let him have it. Ha, and that's when it hits me. I don't want to just lie there and have sex. I want to want it. And only then, finally, my inner（内部的） project manager takes control. And of course, I try to Google the problem.

  But what does Google say? Some of these results may have been omitted（省略）, removed due to some laws, etc. I'm God-smacked, but fun fact, the same thing happens when you try to Google me. Unless it's porn. The topic of sexual pleasure is still shrouded（覆盖） in taboo（(宗教)禁忌、避讳） on the internet. Well, today, we are breaking that taboo.

  And let me tell you, I tried everything I did find. And it was more madness than method. And I realized a few weeks in that instant（立即的） gratification and spontaneous（自发的） arousals（ 唤起）, they were not going to come. It was like I was scratching（抓） at the hard exterior（外部） and not digging（掘） into the soft center. But the more I pushed, the more I wanted change. The more frustrated（失意的） I became.

  It was like eating soup with a fork. And just when I thought I had hit my darkest hour, a ray（射线） of sunshine emerges（显现）. In the summer of 2020, amid（在…中间） socially distanced parents at the playground, I spot（认出） a mum calmly engrossed（用大字体书写） in a book. Ah, the inner project manager jumps with joy（欢乐）. Oh, my God, Lisa, yes. Remember, you adore books.

  They silence your thoughts. They give（做） you time for yourself. And how about you read sexy（性感的） books. Combine the two. Ah, this is it. Also, I thought, yeah.

  Try finding erotic literature about a postpartum mum with leaky（漏的） boobs and stretch（伸展） marks and vaginal dryness（干燥）.